I have suffered severe depression for some time now. I had taken anti-depressants for years but even with those it was just as bad. I stopped taking them and it was the same, not worse but no better either. I tried improving my diet but still the same. I wake up so ANGRY yet I cannot think of anything that would make me feel so angry. Is it just life I am angry with? I am trying hemp seed meal at the moment. If nothing else it will be good for my health which too seems to be failing.
The pain from the arthritis has become severe with constant sciatica and joint pain. My hands just stop working at times and normally at an inconvenient one too like when holding a cup of hot tea! I am so over dropping things! Sleeping is also a challenge. I take an antihistamine (phenergan) and a valium to stay asleep. Getting to sleep isn’t normally an issue as I am so worn out from getting through the day but staying asleep for more than a couple of hours is the challenge. Sure drugs are not the solution but until I can find one I still need sleep so they are the stopgap.
I WILL start back doing tai chi when classes start-up again. I am also working on NOT being my partner’s slave. The same old problem of being named carer which translated by male brains means ‘slave’! I am not the only one in this position I know. Talk about circles! My childhood was until around 8 quite good then family live changed with a move to a town that had high cost of living so mother went out to work and I was, being the only female, made the family maid. Here I am now gone full circle except I have to add sex to the services provided. I would like to want to make love but it just isn’t there – too exhausted I think – mentally & physically – certainly emotionally. here we go the bloody tears! oh poor me! I am so sick of it I wish my brain would just be happy.
I read a good American Indian proverb the other day I really like and have reminded myself of when I get into the poor me – simple put it says there are two wolves inside each of us fighting; g/son asks which one wins and grandfather replies “the one you feed”.
This is not an easy task when one lives with a person who is so into themselves they can’t see past their nose. Unless it is something totally unimportant eg whether a signpost is straight!! yep much more important than noticing that I have collapsed on the floor unconscious 
oh well no point in complaining is there. after ten years he hasn’t changed. he went away recently for a week and came back all loving and caring .. lasted all of about a week! gets the shits with me when there isn’t enough money to buy something he wants and criticises me for paying the bills instead of leaving the money for him to spend on something that is a whimsy of his. the most expensive so far of these has been this printer .. costs so far around $4000! yet despite having all that is needed to get it working again he doesn’t go work on it. if working this would provide a good source of supplemental income – he could have money to waste. So while I go without pretty well everything he lords over all feeding his insecurity with bullying.
How can I be so strong with other things yet so weak when it comes to saying no or standing up to myself with him. I have now allowed it to become the norm to browbeat me into submission. He nags and nags yelling and sulking in turn until I just give up and tell him to do what he f…ing wants! of course if I fight back it is full on and then he goes and sulks. nothing I do is good enough, always something to criticise so I guess it isn’t any wonder I feel as I did when a child with my father telling how worthless I was.
Here I am again with a husband instead daily telling me what I have done wrong or picking at things. Of course then rants how everything is done by my command! Sometimes I wonder what planet his head is on because it sure as shit isn’t in this reality.
When out in public he makes a big deal of holding my hand etc bleah yet if I deign to speak he talks over the top of me. Sometimes the other person will just ignore him and try to listen to me but partner just talks louder making all other conversation impossible. He will go BIG time out of his way for someone else but can’t even make a pot of tea for me .. or even put the kettle on! Help around the house LOL yeah but not since the last ice age.
Now, despite no prior knowledge of such, he wants me to build an e-commerce web site. The cost around 5k but maybe I have found a place for around $1,000. It doesn’t matter we can’t afford that anyway, especially now that I bought a package which I was told we could add our products to but this was total bullshit and I have spent $300 on that. This was as a result of days of pounding by husband prior about what he wants blah blah. I thought I had the solution when this person that he contacted initially phoned but of course as normal he just Coudlnt’ talk on the phone. Now I say I wasted this money but he was there and discussing the thing with the guy on the phone also so it was a joint decision so I don’t know how it became my fault … gee I am so easily brainwashed these days! OK so I am not taking the blame for that anymore!
this should be fun he has decided to come shopping with me! ahhhh he expects to get around a large supermarket in 15 mins. shopping isn’t easy; first the 50km drive to another town (we in the bush) thus people and traffic; then more people in supermarket.
anyway time to restore my backbone and take pleasure in being myself and not let him put me down to boost his own ego. positive thoughts!
